


The Loophole

by Nwar



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Humor, Sexual Humor, Song - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 08:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15215219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nwar/pseuds/Nwar
Summary: Is light fading? Do vampires cry at the close of night? Is there any rest for the wicked?(warnings: anal)





	1. A Holy Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> Surely this has been done already, but not as well as this fic was done.   
> "The Loophole" by Garfunkel and Oates: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY&has_verified=1

The year is 2013, and the internet of viral videos and youtube memery is in full swing. Bella and the Cullens are not immune to the lure of the fails, charlie-bit-my-fingers, and Sweet Browns that dance across the blocky Macbooks of Forks High School.   
It is on a rare sunny day (which means that the Cullens are on a “hike”-- to protect the sensitive humans from their shiny, shiny vampire skin) that Bella is glumly contemplating her virginity.   
See, Edward was all gung-ho about living together forever, getting married, literally sucking poison out of her body, and committing suicide for her, but he can’t seem to stomach the idea of a handjob in their special meadow.   
Edward was raised in a different generation, Bella was a fragile mortal, and Edward could bite her in the throes of his first orgasm-- Wait, would it be? Could Edward have gone a hundred years without ever masturbating? Surely not. Maybe he doesn’t want to do it because he knows he makes a really embarrassing sound or something. I mean, Edward clung to the “mysterious, suave, dignified early twentieth century vampire” thing kind of hard. Maybe he just didn’t want to compromise his image by putting himself in… a compromising position.   
Bella was chewing this over thoughtfully while also chewing some overcooked cafeteria vegetables when she heard a shocked outburst of laughter from the other side of the table.   
Jessica was sitting on her left, round apple earbuds in, watching a video on her new iPhone 4. She was holding the phone with one hand, while the other was clapped over her mouth to stifle her screaming laughter. Her feet were flailing under the table with raucous hysteria. Jessica’s eyes were absolutely glued to the screen.   
Bella waited until Jessica had slammed her phone down on the table and rested her head on her folded arms to laugh into her chest. “Bells, Bells, you HAVE to see this video, girl, I am CRYING!”   
Tears of laughter were indeed seeping out of Jessica’s eyes. Bella was curious, and momentarily distracted from the thought of railing her rock-hard vampire boyfriend.   
Bella paused. Wait, if he doesn’t have blood, does he get boners? Or if it’s like marble when they cuddle, does that mean he’s always hard? Where does he hide it, then? Bella stared out the window for a moment in contemplation.   
“Hello! Earth to Bella! Put the earbuds in.” Jessica shoved her phone at Bella.  
Bella put the earbuds in, and pressed play on the youtube video-- “The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates”.   
On the screen, a tall blonde and short brunette were dressed as catholic schoolgirls, singing innocuously about their blind devotion to God. The music was sweet organ music with a tinkling beat in the background. Bella checked the views-- five million!   
Bella gasped as the girls sang, “I made a pact to keep my hymen intact and jesus and I are tight!” Sounds like Edward, she thought. She giggled.   
Bella cocked her head as the song started describing the loophole-- “since I’m not a Godless whore, he’ll have to come in the backdoor…”   
Bella snorted with surprise as the girls passionately sang, “FUCK ME IN THE ASS BECAUSE I LOVE JESUS!”   
Jessica laughed by proxy as Bella watched, and Bella glanced over her at with wide eyes. The song came to a climax as the women skated around giant buttcheeks with Jesus Christ.   
“Wasn’t that just hilarious?” Jessica screamed, passing the phone on to Mike so he could enjoy the viral song.   
A niggling idea was pushing at the back of Bella’s mind. She looked moodily out the window again. “Yeah, it was.”   
Jessica sighed. “You just don’t get it because you’re still a virgin.”  
Bella smirked at her reflection in the sunny window. “For now.”


	2. Making ASSumptions

“Edward? Alice?” Bella pushed open the door to the Cullen household, having driven there straight from her last class.   
Doctor Cullen appeared freakishly fast at the bottom of the staircase. He wasn’t out of breath-- vampires never were-- but the way he sheepishly fixed his hair and smoothed down his button down told her all she needed to know. Great, everyone was getting laid except her.  
“Ah, Isabella! So… wonderful to see you. Edward is out hunting--”   
“Yeah, yeah, to avoid listening to your thoughts, I would if I could too.” Bella said, searching through the Cullen’s cabinets for something edible to humans. She found a fruit snack from the early 2000s, and ripped it open.   
“Bella! I didn’t expect you,” Edward said, pushing the door open, brushing some deer fur off his slacks.   
“I did!” Alice sang. She looked Bella directly in the eye, and winked. Hell yeah! Alice was seeing something sodom-ey in her future.   
“Hey, babe, I was hoping we could go to our meadow!” Bella smiled mischievously. She caught a flash of lust in his eyes before it was repressed with Roman-Catholic speed.   
Edward swept her up in his arms, and dashed out the door. Bella played with his collar flapping in the wind as Edward ran her through the forest. If Edward Cullen were a superhero, his tagline would be “faster than a speeding train”-- hopefully that would calm down after their first few times.   
Edward gently laid Bella on a bed of moss near the edge of the sunny meadow, and snapped into place next to her. “I missed you today.” The sun just caught his ankle in the gap between his socks and trousers, and glimmered. Bella was once again reminded how different they were.   
“So, Edward, I’ve been doing some thinking…” Edward smiled, distractedly playing with a lock of her long hair.   
“About us…”   
Edward smiled as he ran a cold finger down the side of her slim neck. He hummed.   
“About… loopholes.”   
Edward stopped, and furrowed his brows at her.   
“Bella… What do you mean?”   
Bella sat up so she wouldn’t be distracted by his honey eyes. “Uh, well, um, you know how you don’t want us to… uh…. Before marriage?”   
“I’ll be taking your mortal soul, at your insistence, so I don’t feel I should also take your virtue by making love to you before we are vowed to each other.”   
“Right! So no banging before you put a ring on it. But, uh, what if there was a way around that?”  
Bella looked back at Edward, who looked more confused than ever. One of his eyebrows came down, and Bella could swear she could actually see the wheels turning in her head.   
Bella laid back down and covered her eyes with her hands in embarrassment.   
She heard Edward gasp softly. She peeked between her hands. His face was a mix of awe, bewilderment, and a bit of disgust.   
“Bella, I… When we are both… I mean, I would I….” Edward now sat up to avoid Bella’s gaze.   
“Edward, it’s not a big deal, just--”   
“It’s not a big deal for your generation, surely, but for mine it was… quite a taboo act.”   
Bella sighed. Though hopeful, she had suspected all along that he would not be on board with her loophole idea.   
“I’m sorry for suggesting it, I just saw a loophole and… Wanted to see if we could make it work.”   
“Bella, love,” Edward turned around and gently cradled her face in his cold stone palms. “You know I would love to… bring you pleasure in any way I can, but we can’t even share a kiss for risk of my venom entering your system, let alone to have my teeth so close to so sensitive and delicate ar--”   
“Edward!” Bella said, snapping him out of his reverie as his eyes glazed over. “What exactly do you think I mean?”   
Edward looked so sheepish, she was sure if he had blood to spare he’d be blushing. “Ah, well… You meant… You know…”   
Bella shook her head gently and raised her eyes.   
“Well, uh, when I was…. I had overheard other young gentlemen calling it… ah, clam diving?”   
Bella looked at him, now the one thoroughly confused.   
Edward rung his hands with discomfort. “Uh, you know, eating the pudding cat?”   
Bella shook her head again. Edward huffed in frustration. “Doing the dirty dracula? Licking the wound? The St. Louis steamboat?”   
Bella giggled. “Edward I have no idea what you are talking about.”   
Edward laughed. “You know… mungfishing. Muff diving! Hitler’s--”   
“OH!” Bella gasped. She exploded with laughter, clutching her stomach as she rolled around on the ground.   
Edward grew, parenthetically, red in the face. “All right now, you don’t have to laugh at me, it’s you who suggested it!”   
“Edward,” Bella gasped out, still laughing on the meadow ground. “That is NOT what I meant.”  
Edward finally laughed with her. “Oh,” He said, collapsing on to the moss beside her.   
“Edward…” Bella said softly, looking serious as she stared lovingly into Edward’s eyes.   
“Yes, darling?” Edward asked, enraptured by her beautiful brown orbs.   
“The St. Louis STEAMBOAT?!” Bella screeched, gasping for air as she snorted with uncontrollable laughter.   
Edward shook his head at her. “The wedding is off, nevermind, I forget whatever I saw in you.”


	3. Cracking the Code

Bella listened for Charlie to shut off the light in the bathroom and retreat to his bedroom. She tiptoed out of her bed to open the window for Edward, who shot into the room and gently touched down, crouched on her windowsill like Spider-Man. He’s probably the only skinny brunette of his age range that hadn’t played Spider-Man by this point.   
Edward gathered Bella’s hair in a gentle grip, and tenderly, passionately sucked on her lip. He pulled away just as Bella ran out of breath.   
Edward smirked as he moved his palm to her chest to feel her heart slowing back down to normal.   
“Well, hello, sailor!” Bella whispered as Edward carried her to bed.   
“Mmm, well what you said earlier,” Edward gently pulled her close on the bed, his marble hard arm wrapping around her waist, “It may have gotten some naughty thoughts in my head.”   
Bella’s eyes lit up. Edward cut her off before she could start. “... Which I already took care of on my own before coming here, my sweet.”   
So he DID masturbate! What even comes out when a vampire cums? Was it sparkly, too?   
“But I’ve been curious,” Edward interrupted her important intellectual ponderings. “If you didn’t mean… what I thought you meant… what did you mean about a loophole?”   
Now Bella was blushing again. “Um. Well. You don’t want to… bang before we’re wed because you want me to stay a virgin, right?”   
Edward cocked an eyebrow. “Yes,” He said, a little pretentiously, if Bella was being honest.   
“Well, uh, what do you… define as a virgin?”   
Edward looked over Bella’s shoulder. “I suppose a woman who retains… A certain part of anatomy which is usually broken upon the marriage bed.”   
“A hymen!” Bella exclaimed with victory.   
Edward flinched. “Please… I… yes. Yes, a… a hymen.” Edward said the dirty word like it had to be forced between his lips.   
“So if we were able to have sex without popping my cherry, you’d be okay with that?”   
Edward looked at her condescendingly. “Bella, I have stone hard skin and super strength. I’m precise, but not that precise.”   
“You wouldn’t have to be! There’s a loophole!”   
“A loophole? And what would that be?”   
“The other hole!”   
Edward froze. His eyelids snapped shut. He slowly reclined until he was lying on his back, and pinched the bridge of his nose.   
“Edward?”   
Edward laid there silently for a moment, composing himself. “Bella,” he gritted out, “Are you suggesting I sodomize you?”   
“Well, uh… Yes.”   
Edward opened his eyes and looked at Bella like one looks at a very stupid child. “Bella, I am not human. We do not need to conflate making love with… making a family.”   
“It’s not about your monster spunk, Edward,” Bella sighed daintily.  
“You know you can’t get pregnant by me, right?” Edward asked.   
Bella looked into the camera and sighed.   
Bella turned back to Edward. “It’s not that, Edward, I’m saying that we could get it on without losing our virginity if we just… went to fifth base.”   
Edward sighed. “Well I’m not going to engage in any paedicatio while your father is sleeping in the next room, so let’s just go to sleep now and we’ll discuss this tomorrow.”


	4. Life's a Real Pain in the....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ay it's an OC

When Bella woke on Saturday morning, Edward was laying on his back, arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling.   
Bella pushed herself up on one arm. “What time is it?”   
“I’ve decided.” Edward said with finality.   
Bella felt a flutter in her belly, and maybe lower. “What did you decide?”  
Edward smirked at her. His face grew more serious. He gently took her hand, and with the softest of loving kisses, brushed his cold lips across her knuckles. “Isabella Swan… I’m going to fuck you in the asshole, because I love you and I want you to stay a virgin until marriage.”   
Bella pumped her fist in the air. “Yes!”   
She jumped out of bed, and after stomping her feet in a little happy dance while Edward chuckled, started pulling clothes out of her dresser. “C’mon, get up!”   
Edward looked at her bewildered as she hunted for her converse. “Uh, don’t you want to… ahh….”   
Bella paused, looking at his face. “Edward! No, we have to get… supplies!”   
Edward’s eyes grew wide. Sometimes it was hard to forget that Edward was technically like, a super old man. “Supplies?”   
“I’m not exactly good to go, mister. Nature designed that as an exit only.”   
“Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this--” Edward rubbed the back of his neck as Bella gathered up her clothes to go change in the bathroom.   
Oh no! Bella was not about to let Edward back out now!   
Bella slapped Edward’s face between her hands, his lips puckering out like a fish. “Edward James Cullen.”   
“My middle name isn’t Jamesh,” Edward managed.   
“We are not going against God, we are simply circumventing a little obstacle He made for us. Now get your shoes on, we have to go find lubricant.”   
***  
There is a rite of passage for every young couple. It usually happens in the aisle of a CVS, Walgreens, or for the very unlucky, a gas station. It is a moment that occurs after days, weeks, or months of two people sharing their deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams with each other. After they’ve bared their souls to one another, bonded over traumas and hopes, and realized they are politically compatible, a couple finally reaches this point. The Condom Stare.   
Bella and Edward were in this moment now. They stood together, shoulder to shoulder in the corner drug, staring at the four foot long section of prophylactics, lubricants, and marital aids.   
“There’s so many options.” Edward whispered.   
Bella’s eyes scanned over the lustfully colored Trojans, Durex, and-- oh, God, Magnums. What if Edward’s been hiding a Magnum dong this whole time? Bella glanced inconspicuously at Edward’s crotch while he was distracted reading the back of a cock ring box. Surely she would’ve noticed if he was hung at this point? I mean, he is tall and skinny-- that’s classic Big Dick Energy. If vampire’s bodies grow more attractive to seduce their prey when they change, does that mean they get top-rate junk, too? Bella considered it. If she had to think about it, she would guess that all the women in Edward’s family sent out tight box vibes. If vampires peed, their piss would probably sound like frying chicken.   
“What does this do?” Edward asked, holding up a box to Bella. It said “massager” in discreet italic font.   
“Uh, not sure,” Bella lied, and went back to combing through the many condoms. “Here! Lubed, and comes with a pack of lubricant. Perfect.”   
“Will we need… lubrication?”   
Bella stared up at Edward in amazement. He was so innocent. “Yes. Yes, we will really need lubrication. We will really need it.”   
Without breaking eye contact with Edward, Bella reached down and grabbed a squirt bottle of liquid lube, and threw it into the basket on his elbow.   
“Message received,” Edward muttered as he followed her to the register.   
Bella halted, Edward bumping into her back. She was just short of breaching the aisle opening.   
“What’s wrong?” Edward asked.   
“Old man Simpson! He’s the cashier here!” Bella hissed, peeking around the corner.   
Edward met Bella’s wide eyes with his own. “Uh. How are we going to… buy these, then?”   
Bella chewed her lip. “Maybe if sort of, like, mix them in with other stuff? Do you have anything you need to buy here?”   
Edward grimaced. “I sustain myself with blood and don’t wear makeup, so no, I don’t think I need anything at the corner drug.”   
“I could do without the sarcasm,” Bella said, striding back down the aisle. She started pulling random candy off the shelf, a seen-on-tv oven glove, a box of hair dye, a get-well teddy bear, and three bottles of the same shade of pink nail polish.   
“You don’t think having three of the same color will be suspicious?” Edward asked.   
“No, it looks like we’re having a bachelorette party or something.” She said as Edward followed her to the register.   
“Hello kids,” Old man Simpson said in his grouchy, tired old man voice.   
Bella dumped the contents of their basket on the counter, and he tiredly scanned the items before arriving at the lubricant. He held it in his hand for a moment, before smirking at Edward.   
“You’re the Cullen kid, aren’t you?”   
Edward shifted his weight nervously. “Yes, sir.”   
“You’re father’s a doctor, right?”  
Edward hung his head. “Yes, sir.”   
“You didn’t think maybe he’d have some lubricant for prostate exams you could’ve snuck in and stolen?”  
Bella gasped and looked up at Edward. “Son of a bitch!”   
Old man Simpson laughed at their stupidity. “No skin off my back, I love watching you kids embarrass yourself in here. That’s 32.98.”


	5. Bottom's Up!

Bella and Edward sat on the edge of Bella’s bed.   
“So uh, Charlie doesn’t come back until five.” Bella said.   
“That’s eight hours from now.” Edward pointed out.   
“Should be enough time.” Bella said, staring at the carpet.   
“Should be,” Edward agreed.   
They stared at the carpet together.   
“Do you want me to… Kiss you?”   
Bella shrugged. “I don’t know how any of this works.”   
“Well I don’t know anything either!” Edward snapped.   
“I mean, you’ve seen movies, right, aren’t we supposed to kiss?”   
“They always seem to be rather… indecently kissing each other in movies, and you know I can’t risk my venomous tongue touching you.”   
“Yeah, we already had that discussion earlier when you thought I wanted you to eat at the Y.”   
“So no kissing?”   
“I suppose not.” Bella rubbed her arm self consciously.   
“I’ll just ah, take off… my pants?” Edward said uncertainly.   
“Yeah that sounds right,” Bella cautiously agreed.   
Edward undid his belt and smoothly dropped his slacks. Huh. Edward wore tighty whiteys. Who knew? He sat back down awkwardly.   
Bella clumsily slapped her hand down on his hard thigh. Her clammy palm skidded across his knee. “You like that, vampire boy?”   
Edward grimaced at her. “Yeah, it’s making me very… amorous.”   
Bella giggled. “Alright, okay, I think this would be better if I was face-down now.”   
Edward nodded quickly. “That definitely sounds like the correct next step.”  
Bella shimmied out of her bootleg jeans, crawled onto her bed, and collapsed face-first into her pillows. Her pale butt was hanging halfway out of her Abercrombie striped cotton underwear.   
“I’ll get the lube,” Edward said, jerking up to get the bag sitting on the desk.   
“I’ll be here,” Bella replied, voice muffled by the pillows.   
Edward returned in lightning-fast vampire speed, and hesitantly kneeled next to Bella’s lower half. He pulled off her underwear with the precision of a monster from Monster’s INC touching a sock.   
He looked down at the pale buttcheeks in front of him. Like this, with Bella’s face in the pillows, and her long-sleeved shirt still covering the rest of her body, it didn’t seem so threatening. Edward cocked his head. They kind of looked like two scoops of vanilla ice cream… or mashed potatoes.   
“Edward? Hun?” Bella’s muffled voice queried.   
“Oh yes. I’m just, uh, admiring you.”   
Bella’s buttcheeks visibly unclenched. “Aw, that’s sweet.”   
Edward hesitantly placed a cold hand on the roundest part of her right buttcheek. “Your fanny is… just super.”   
“Thanks, Edward.”   
“Anytime, love of my life.” Edward replied.   
“Whenever you wanna go ahead and stick a finger in to open things up, I’m ready down here.”   
“Right, right,” Edward said, pulling the lubricant out of the bag. He popped the top open, trying to apply a dab to his finger, and promptly squirted lube across the bedding and halfway across Bella’s back.   
“Really? Already?” Bella asked, sounding surprised and a little disappointed.   
“No, no, just a little lube got… out of hand.”   
He dragged his pointer finger through the viscous liquid and examined Bella’s backside again. He couldn’t think of anyway to reach the… point of entry. He decided the best way to breach the gap would be to put some thrust behind his finger so that it could make it past the fleshiest parts and actual penetrate the fun spot. Yes, just moving quickly would surely get the finger in the most efficiently and least painfully. After all, he would do anything to avoid hurting his tender Bella.   
“Are you waiting for-- HOLY CROW.” Bella howled.   
“Ah, ah, sorry, sorry, sorrysorrysorry,” Edward yelled back, ripping his arm back.   
“Slowly, Edward, slowly, you’re not starting a lawn mower back there!” Bella groaned, burying her head back in the pillows.   
Edward hesitantly tried again, slowly inserting his finger again. “Does that… feel good?”   
Bella thought about it for a second. “It feels cold and kind of weird. Like I’m a human ice cream machine.”   
Edward thought about it. “I guess that’s right?”   
“We should’ve watched porn first.” Bella said finally.   
“Well we’re at it now and I’m not giving up,” Edward said, wiggling his finger like a worm to see if that got any reaction. Bella tensed up a little bit, but didn’t seem to enjoy that anymore.   
“Maybe more lube?”   
“Your wish is my command, dearest.”   
“More lube.”   
Edward grabbed the bottle with the hand not currently trapped inside his girlfriend’s asshole, and poured the slimy liquid all over Bella’s ass and his hand. That should be sufficient.   
Edward dared to poke another finger in. “How are you handling it?”   
“Just go on ahead, my day can’t get any worse at this point.” Bella called back to him.   
“Should I… insert my penis?” Edward asked.   
“Please tell me our honeymoon will not be like this.”   
Edward took that as a yes, and awkwardly straddled Bella’s thighs. “Okay, I am… coming in your backdoor.”   
Bella’s back shook with laughter. “Cleared for landing!”   
Edward thrust forward, and was surprised by a tight grip. It was very, very, hot for him-- huh, I guess that’s why they invented rectal thermometers.   
Edward rested there for a moment to allow them both to get used to the sensation, until he noticed Bella shaking.   
“Bella? Are you orgasming?”   
“No, I’m shivering! There’s an icicle in my ass!” Bella snapped, teeth chattering.   
“Oh,” Edward said, reaching to grab a throw blanket off the end of her bed, and tossing it over her.   
Bella quit shivering. “That’s better. You can go for it now.”   
Edward looked down at his fiance, which from his angle was currently a disembodied ass surrounded by a woven throw blanket from Homegood’s. His instincts from humping his own bedding in his teenage years took over, and Edward took advantage of Bella’s loophole.   
Several moments later, Edward groaned with admirable restraint.   
“All finished there?” Bella’s voice reached him through the pillows and the blanket covering her head.   
“Yes, my angel,” Edward said, retreating off the bed. He hastily pulled his trousers back on-- he’d left the tighty whiteys on and simply released his member through the Y-Front opening.   
Bella clenched, scooted off the bed, and penguin-walked to the bathroom across the hall. She took the remainder of her clothes off, and turned on the shower.   
Bella looked at the window streaming sunshine into the bathroom. She reached behind her, and held her hand under the ray of light.   
“Hey! It does sparkle!” Bella exclaimed with delight.   
FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this. I'd like to thank Remus for inspiring me, and Remus for encouraging me, and Remus for the hummus in my fridge.   
> Please don't be mean to me in the comments


End file.
